journeys: stories of despair, hope, sadness, and healing

It had been a hard day at work and I just wanted to get home and unwind. I went through the normal ritual of greeting everyone as I came home and had supper. It was already late so the kids went to bed and my wife was sucked into her favorite show. I thought to myself, “I’ll do a little work on the computer, “which was in our bedroom. By this time I began to fantasize about the sites I would visit and what I might find. I turned and could still see my wife watching her show so I began to view porn with the bedroom door open. What do you have there on your screen?” she said as she entered the room. I was still looking at porn and masturbating as she entered the room. And my recovery began as I had now hit a new low.

You see I had confessed my “little problem” on occasion. I even went to counseling and was on medication for depression. These helped me but did little to address my addiction that had yet to be diagnosed. Over the prior 15+ years as a Christian I had struggled with porn and masturbation in varying levels and tried to quit countless times. By this point I was in a spiritual low and ready for help.

A brother in our congregation told me about L.I.F.E. Ministries and encouraged me to attend. I made the connection and began going to group the following Monday. Within a few weeks I committed to the 90 days of abstinence and my wife also began to attend meetings. I tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The support and friendship I received from my group leader and the other attendees were crucial to my success. Even with all the support I had a slip-up in mid-December after 60+ days of sobriety. Having to confess it to my wife was devastating. It was very difficult going through the Christmas season with this on my heart. I felt like I was in the doghouse with everyone.

I was encouraged to continue in the work and not give into unhealthy shame. I never stopped attending the meetings, journaling and assignments in the workbook. There have been some close calls but I’ve been sober since that date. On one occasion right before my new 90 day mark the cable company decided to surprise me with free paid channels during a weekend. The temptation was great but GOD helped me say no. I told my wife the next day and we promptly cancelled our cable. To this day we only have antennae TV as a boundary we set up.

I do regret all the time I lost viewing porn and the lack of heart level intimacy between my wife and I that was destroyed by my acting out. In addition there were financial losses due to the time I spent on the internet instead of at work. Since I cannot change the past I choose to learn from it and choose to practice healthy behaviors I learned and keep learning with L.I.F.E.

- Anonymous L.I.F.E. Group Member